|A meeting with Emeril
||[Aug. 13th, 2007|04:14 pm]
Fat Bob's Food Extravaganza!
I've wanted my own cooking show for as long as I could remember. I remember spending countless hours watching Julia Child as a young man. And then she died, so my role model became Elizabeth Taylor. I mean, Elizabeth Taylor as she is presently; I have no time for classic movies since they interfere with my constant mealtimes.
Anyway, since I've made the decision to not put much effort into my music anymore, I have more time to devote to my one true dream. Unfortunately, I don't know much about television production or how to even go about getting one's own programme. So, I contacted famous TV chef Emeril and managed to get a lunch date with him.
When I met with him this afternoon, I was overwhelmed by his force of personality. He possessed that rumoured in-your-face personality -- he was defiantly in my face, along with the faces of a few others!
"Uhm, Emeril -- " I started, then faltered. I couldn't get a grip on myself.
"BAM! Why do you want a cooking show, anyway? And why are you wasting my time?" he asked.
"Well, I want to share my unique recipes with the world."
"I guess it won't be a health show, then, huh? BAM!" Emeril shouted, even though I was sitting right across the table from him. Maybe he has a hearing deficit.
"Erhm, I guess no -- Hey, I can show you! Let me get you something. How about a Robert Smith sundae? It's the only sundae that has both a patent number and an FDA warning label."
"BAM!" he responded.
My hands shaking, I took the necessary ingredients out of my fanny pack (which is actually a travel cooler that is strapped around my waist. I am very clever.) and whipped up my favourite dessert. I even added extra gravy and went above and beyond by using a special soft pretzel -- the kind with cheese in the middle. And you'd better believe I didn't skimp on the Oreos and mayonnaise.
He took two bites and proceeded to vomit. And then things got awkward.
Out of desperation, I offered him some gum. He said yes, so I handed over a few ketchup packets.
"Well, you see, I can eat about thirty-eight packs of gum in a single sitting, and they never seem to help me in any way. I've found individual packets of condiments are much more effective. I have mustard and relish if you'd prefer, but I tend to favour the ketchup ones."
He stared at me for a very long time. "You're a disgusting human being," he finally said and left.
All in all, it went much better than I had originally expected.